Waxing Poetic
by Claire Starling
Summary: A kiss seems so insignificant in the grand scale of things, almost trivial. A kiss doesn’t have the power to stop time or heal wounds or change a life, but for me it did all of those things. Both EC and RC friendly.


Disclaimer: I wish I could claim the rights to this, but it doesn't belong to me.

**Waxing Poetic**

A kiss seems so insignificant in the grand scale of things, almost trivial. A kiss doesn't have the power to stop time or heal wounds or change a life, but for me it did all of those things. Before I kissed him, all I could think of was how much I hated him. He had betrayed my confidence so many times and now he was going to kill the man I loved unless I surrendered myself to him. He was crazy and I was just… in the wrong place at the wrong time. Erik was… in love with me. Not like how Raoul was in love with me, not innocent or sweet at all. Erik was desperately in love with me. But at that moment, all I could do was hate him.

And even now, I am shamed to say I kissed him to deceive him. I kissed him so he would let Raoul go. Before we kissed… I would have turned Erik over to the mob in a heart beat. But then we kissed, and the world changed. I'd like to say it was immediate. Our lips met and everything was different. But it wasn't like that at all. We kissed and it was nice. It was when he put his arms around me, when he pulled me in instead of pushing me away like he always did, that things changed. He poured everything into that kiss. His love, his pain, his desperation… and it just filled me up. And I loved him then.

But I still loved Raoul. Raoul represented my past. He was the only person left who knew my father. And every time I look at Raoul, even today, I see my father's smile, hear his laugh, feel the warmth of his embrace… and Erik couldn't give me that. Raoul's love for me was innocent and pure, the love of a child. But Erik's love for me was different, it was deep and passionate and consuming, it was the love of an adult. And I wish I could say that if I could do it all over again, I would choose Erik. But I can't say that. Because I wasn't a woman yet, I was still a girl. I wasn't ready for what Erik was offering me… sometimes I still think I'm not ready for what Erik is offering me.

When Erik let me go, when Raoul came to me, I knew something then that has haunted me ever since. To love someone means to care more for their happiness, for their well-being over yours. I know that if I had told Raoul that I loved Erik, he never would have let me go. He even said it himself, "Say you love him and my life is over." Erik loved me. Erik loves me. And god help me, I love him. So I did as he asked and left him. But not before giving him something… the ring. I gave Erik the ring back. Not as a rejection, as a promise. Raoul used that ring to claim me, Erik used it to claim me… and now I was using it to claim him. To let him know that no matter where I go or who I am with, he will always be my Angel of Music. And no one could take that from me.

And so I left. I heard him crying and turned to look behind. It took all my strength not to run back to him, not to comfort him. In the end, I tore my eyes from him to remove the temptation and clung to Raoul. Erik was giving me freedom, the chance to live in the sun, and I took it, as much as it killed me, as much as it killed him.

I married Raoul. I gave myself to him. It took a year for me to realize that Raoul would never complete me. He could make me happy in ways I never imagined, but he would never touch my soul, not like Erik could. Before I became pregnant his child, Raoul went on a business trip and I traveled back to Paris. I claimed it was to visit my father's grave, which was not a complete lie. I did visit my father's grave to seek guidance, to seek strength. But Raoul never thought I'd go back to the Opera House. He was convinced I hated Erik more than he did. He also was sure that Erik was dead. And as much as I hated to lie to him, it was simply better that way. And so I found myself down in the liar, pooling across the lake. When I arrived at Erik's home, I cried. The place was destroyed. Erik's kingdom lay in ruins. The organ was nothing more than a pile of wood and pipes, his music lie either in shreds or in ashes. My bed was completely ruined. I found myself lying in the remainder of it, remembering the sound of his voice. I turned to see if the music box remained, but it was gone. I heard the crinkle of something beneath me and I managed to fish out a letter, in Erik's handwriting, addressed to me.

Even now, I wonder how Erik knew me so well. He knew that someday I would return to him. And he was right, just like he always is. The letter… said so many things, including how to find him. Before I knew it, I was traveling down a passage way to a hidden room I had never seen before. And there he was. Maskless, but still powerful somehow. His expression of shock was priceless but I couldn't stop myself from holding him, from kissing him, from loving him.

And so I led a double life. When the sun was in the sky, I was Raoul's wife. I was loyal and caring. I tended to his every need and basked in the warmth of his love. I bared his son and loved him completely. But when the moon was up, I belonged only to Erik. Once Raoul was asleep, I'd hear his music. Some nights I wouldn't even see him, I would just know he was there. Other nights, he came to me and led me to places I have never seen. Waterfalls and parks, oceans sides and forests… to show me what beauty the night held. But as dawn approached, he would return me to my room, without fail. I don't even know how I managed to last for so long doing this, but as time passed, it got harder. Charles, my brilliant son, noticed it first. I grew distracted easily and found myself sleeping at odd times. There were now three men I loved: my son, my husband, and my Angel. But not even their love could keep me here.

I grew weaker and weaker, barely staying awake for more than a couple of hours each day. I saw less and less of Raoul and my son, and saw nothing of Erik. I knew I couldn't let go until I saw him, until I saw my Erik one last time. I awoke to the most beautiful night sky and I knew he was there. He came to me and held me. He told me the story of the Nightingale and the Rose, his voice the most beautiful lullaby I have ever heard. He sang to me and told me he loved me. He cried. I think he knew too. Raoul was still hopeful and my son refused to believe I was dying… but Erik knew. And I think he knew, just as I did, that this was going to be the last time we saw each other. I kissed him and it was the most beautiful kiss I've ever had. I told him I loved him although I didn't have to. My kiss said it all. But I felt like I owed it to him after all of these years. And I slept. When I woke, he was gone.

Almost ten years ago, Erik told me that if he died, he wanted me to bury him with my ring on his finger. He always kept it on him, in a tiny pocket over his heart. This was before Erik realized that he wasn't going to die before me. Before I looked at Erik and told him that when I died, I wanted him to give it back. I wanted him to claim me in death. All my life, I had hidden my love for him. But in death, I wanted there to be no secrets.

And now, as I stand here and stare at the stars, I wonder how I came this far. The girl I used to be seems almost a stranger to me. But we were all naïve and young once, and I am no exception. I have learned so much and I have loved even more. But now I am just so tired. I have loved until there is nothing left of me to give. And now it was time for me to rest. I purchased tickets for Faust, two seats in box five. I lay them on my bureau for Raoul to see. I wanted Raoul to give that part of me back to Charles, for him to see what I was when we met. The girl inside of me, the singer, the diva, that has been hidden ever since that fateful night underneath the Opera House.

I somehow manage to stumble back to the bed and pull the blankets up over me. Raoul didn't know I was awake, but I wouldn't be much longer. I already felt sleep tugging me down into its endless embrace. And as I grow cold, I have a feeling I wouldn't wake. But it's okay. I am surrounded by Raoul's love and Erik's love is a part of me, as constant as my heartbeat. As the sound of my father's violin filled my ears, I let go. Free at last. And the only thing I could think…

_No thoughts within in her head but thoughts of joy. No dreams within her heart, but dreams of love!_

**.end.**


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